I always just wanted to love her...
I remember one morning, as my mum left the house to go to work. I must have been around 3 or 4 years old. She said goodbye in her usual hectic and troubled way, hugging me without really touching me, emotionless, giving me a cold fleeting kiss and disappearing through the door. I heard her clatter down the stairs, out the front door in the cold spring morning. I heard her open the garage door and with the squeaking noise a deep, hot tide of childish despair rose from deep inside of my stomach. Making its way through my body, my little heart cramped painfully and pierced my throat with a cry:
"MAMAAAAAA! MAMAAAAAA, stay there! Please stay with me!"
Like only a 4-year-old can scream and cry. And I ran. Run down the stairs, through the door and behind her. I clung tearfully to her. Howled and screamed. Until I couldn´t breathe anymore because of all the wine. Do you remember this snap-breathing as a child, which at the same time feels like torn and suffocating? Exactly this! Unfortunately, I did not succeed. She quickly brought me back to the house and said she had no time for that now and she had to go to work. Grandma would be there.
But I did not want grandma. I wanted my mom. I always just wanted her. I wanted to love her. I've always wanted to love her all my life. Without having to be afraid.
Afraid of be
rejected
abandoned
injured
attacked
or to be ridiculed.
Something shattered in me at that moment. i thought something isn´t ok with ME, that she didn´t stay. And I stopped running after her. To fight for this love, to show her my love openly.
But that love for her didn´t stop. And with every kind word that she addressed to me, with every request, wether I couldn´t get this or that for her, this unfulfilled yearning for her love rose in me. I would have done EVERYTHING to get that love from her. And I did everything. I was trapped in a dependency game. For as friendly as she could be in that one moment, as quickly she could attack, humiliate and hurt.
And that made me angry. So. Damn it. Angry.
Angry because I just wanted to love her. Without being constantly in "Be careful” posture. Angry at ME, that I kept falling in on her again and again. Angry, that in my life I attracted people who have similar narcissistic features. Angry that later I had immense difficulty showing my love for fear of being attacked or hurt. And mostly I directed this anger against myself.
I am not adorable. I am not good enough. I am not worth it. Something is wrong with ME!
Some of the consequences of this self-directed anger were, for example, pain, autoimmune diseases (I had rheumatism as a child) and food intolerances. Because when our love is abused again and again by our most important caregivers, we learn to destroy ourselves.
Do not let it get to the point that it destroys you. That you destroy yourself. Let me show you what it feels like to be loved. Let me touch you. And so you too can learn to love yourself the way you deserve to be loved. I know that you are love, that love is deep within you and that you can give it beyond measure even until you are completely empty and exhausted. Just to give it to yourself, that is incredibly difficult for you. So unspeakably difficult.
Your inner child, who feels so unloved and so anxious, has to experience that it is unconditionally loved.
From a mother. Worn by maternal love. Then it can love itself too.
Quite often I hold my clients like a mother holding her baby in her arms. Cozy with many pillows and wrapped in a cozy blanket. Loving eye contact. With gentle touches, stroke a strand behind the ear. And words like: “Yes, that's real. Yes, you are loved. And no, you do not have to do anything about it.” This heals such a deep wound and gives you the ability to love yourself completely. Re-Mothering. Re-connection. Re-Union.
The most touching moments for me: When a client tells me that she has started to love herself. Get out of self-destructive actions. Saying Yes and no to herself and others - fearless. Calm, peace, and stability found in herself. Was finally able to say "I love you" to someone.
This is also possible for you! To get healthy, to be pain free, to find a partnership, who carries you , to earn enough money and stop spending it senselessly and excessively. Break out of the destructive cycles and love yourself just as much with EVERYTHING you are. I did it, so you can do it!
How do you want to look back on your life at the age of 90?
What would you like to be able to say to you then?
Get ready to live the life you've always wanted, sister!
I'm here to cheer you on!
Elke
P.S .: I would like to get to know you from the heart. Click on "Reply" and say Hello. Tell me who you are, what touches you and what you want to experience in your life from now on.
Text: © Elke Hannig
Photos: Pixabay adult-1807500
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