For all black sheep: "You are the dream of all your ancestors."
"The So-called 'Black Sheep' of the family are, in fact, seekers of liberation roads for the family tree. Those members of the tree who do not adapt to the rules or traditions of the family system, those who were constantly seeking to revolutionize beliefs, going in contrast to roads marked by family traditions, those criticized, tried and even rejected, those, by general.
They are called to release the tree of repetitive stories that frustrate entire generations. The 'Black Sheep', those who do not adapt, those who scream rebel, repair, detoxify and create a new and blooming branch... countless unfulfilled desires, unfulfilled dreams, frustrated talents of our ancestors manifest themselves in their rebellion looking to take place.
The family tree, by inertia, will want to continue to maintain the castrating and toxic course of its trunk, which makes its task difficult and conflicting... that no one makes you doubt, take care of your 'rarity' as the most precious flower of Your Tree.
You are the dream of all your ancestors."
- Bert Hellinger
This text has caught me full broadside.
I remember that when I was a kid, I felt that what we lived in our family was NOT a life. And I did not like that! I grew up in a house together with my grandparents and parents. All severely traumatized and characterized in their behavior by the consequences of the war and their escape from Sudeten Germany. Lost first-borns, abuse, violence, neglect, and indifference. Passed on from generation to generation.
And me? I was thirsty for life. I knew deep inside, there is something else.
I fought against the walls of silence, trying to make it clear to my grandparents that there is something else, such as work, home work, work, home work, work. They NEVER went on vacation. I rebelled against the narrowness of their Christian faith and for the openness to Buddhism, rebelled against any dogmatic world view.
And I always felt: I'm not like that! (Zodiac: Revolutionary Aquarius)
I ran into doors to show them that they are not alone and that there is love and people out there who reach out their hands when they just open the door to their maximum security prison. I was so damn desperate because I did not get through to them and earned nothing but disrespect, humiliation, and rejection. They could not see it, and they did not see me.
I felt trapped in a prison that I hadn´t built.
When I had my first boyfriend, my grandfather titled me a whore. I began to rebel secretly, no longer within the family, but in my life. My moped was my symbol of freedom, nowhere did I feel the infinite possibilities that life had to offer, more than while stepping on the gas and rushing away. I often stole away at night just to let the wind blow around my nose on my moped and see the starry sky.
I skipped school, faked signatures, dropped high school. In my 20s I dived into the techno world, the ecstasy, and the "dancing until the sun was shining again". There I felt infinitely free. At home, sleeping late into the afternoon, I was back in the usual prison, as the black sheep in the stable. That hurt. And there was shame. So much shame. Anger. Grief. Fear. Despair. To be the black sheep of the family and painfully to see that they do not want to get out of their prison. And every single time I did something different, like them, they tried to hold me back.
What still makes me a black sheep?
To do a therapy (brainwashing and dangerous for the family system)
Being self-employed and not having elected a civil service career
Cast down the architecture and follow my vocation
The sale of my apartment and the money to invest in my healing and in the education for body psychotherapist
Having broken off contact with my family - to protect myself and my inner child - while I am healing
Alone to get along (i.e. to live without a partner at times)
... to be continued ...
Today I know that I lived and live their dreams. And it was too painful for them to look at their own unrealized dreams and the associated traumas. I have been doing this for them for 13 years now. And I forgave them.
They didn´t fight against me. They were fighting against their own fears.
I love my life, and I love to feel the thirst and to satisfy it. With lived dreams and the connectedness of body, soul, and spirit. It is not always easy, but it feels alive and free. I'm still a bit rebellious. That's what trailblaizers or black sheep have per se.
From black sheep to black sheep: Go on, follow your heart because nothing replaces the feeling of being free (and you're not alone ♥)
Tell me, which unlived dreams of your ancestors do you realize? Click on info@elkehannig.de and tell me!
I am looking forward to hear from you
Elke
Text: © Elke Hannig
Photo: Pixabay the-black-sheep-3702973