Don't react – Act
A little exchange of blows from my previous life:
“Take a look at your friendships: They never last longer than 3-4 years. And then you look for someone new! I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore!”
“And you? You only see your child, and our so-called friendship is only about this topic! I'm so sick of it!”
Back then, as soon as I was confronted or hurt, I was tremendously triggered. My inner child and my learned behaviors immediately took over.
My reactions:
I held my breath
I became hot and cold
I could not think clearly
I felt an excruciating pain in my chest, hurtful words shot out of my mouth like poisonous arrows
I fought and defended myself by all means
It was a very unsightly spectacle every time. I pulled the nastiest cards out of my pocket. Things that have been told to me in confidence - because of whom my counterpart was ashamed or something that he/she had done wrong and that I knew deeply hurt him/her.
I responded from my inner child, who had learned exactly this behavior.
My mother often provoked our family and me and didn't leave us alone until we showed some strong reaction. Every constructive conversation, calm, or understanding answers made her angrier. She teased and hacked at us. And then our responses were 100%: be loud, defend, shoot back. Only then did she let go of us and retreated howling because we were so angry with her. We finally had our peace again - until the next attack. Pretty twisted, right?
That's how I learned that staying calm and constructive doesn't help. That "peace" will only return if I act as hurtful as my mother.
And this hurt me over and over again. It was never my intention to hurt someone, and I didn't want to either. It really hurt myself to harm someone through my words or actions or non-actions (I was a master at ignoring - passive-aggressive behavior Hellooohooo).
I was caught in the reaction mode - not the action.
After years of practicing, I managed to break out of this cycle. To change my behavior.
If something triggers me now, someone attacks me, I do the following:
I consciously direct my focus on breathing. Nose in, exhale mouth longer.
I take a step back. I allow myself to let it sink. I take the liberty of saying: “I have to think about it first. I will contact you then and then again.”
I watch my impulses and reactions.
With myself alone, I allow all unsightly, ugly, mean thoughts and feelings to be there. Anger, sadness, disappointment. I let it be there. And hug my inner child.
I question the attack. Is that really true? Am I really like that? What's behind it? Is it justified? Most of the time, an attack has nothing to do with me personally, but with my counterpart and his story.
Does my counterpart act cross-border, hurtful?
I allow all feelings without acting out on the other. It is super uncomfortable. But quite feasible and endurable.
What emerges is clarity, authenticity, honesty. Then I act. Out of inner calm and clarity, I collect facts, ask questions, take my position. Grounded, powerful, and aware of my vulnerability. Set limits if necessary. Say stop.
Practice retreat. Practice observing your impulses and reactions. Breathe. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Show your feelings. Write a reply letter if a confrontation is too much for you. Search for the good in the other. Stay friendly but determined. Stand with you and face the other at the same time. Don't take anything personally.
The fact is, people will always trigger you. The important thing is whether you react to it or act on it.
All my love
Elke
Text: © Elke Hannig
Photo: Unspleash-Flower-Ester-Marie-Doysabas
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