And then I almost exploded…
After a certain amount of time in my talk therapy, I trusted my therapist in such a way that I wanted to dive into the topic of my money issues, which was an area of my life, which I felt quite ashamed about.
I created a detailed list of my actual income and expenses like food, cat food, cigarettes, sports, car expenses, etc. And I created an extra column to write down the saving potential for each item. I was tuning into my feelings and if and how difficult it would be to cut on certain things, and I marked the specific points.
With mixed feelings, I did handover the list to her in my next session, so we could go through it to find solutions. Shame, fear, feeling small, resistance, and insecurity… everything was present.
Thoughts like: "What if she is totally shocked about the high sums?" "What if she will be shocked, but she won't say anything to me, but I will notice it on her expression?" "What if she judges me?" "What if she says that I'm the only one not having it under control?"
We went through the list together, and I expressed my feelings to her. At the point of the cigarette expense, I said loud and clear: "Here I can't, and I won't cut back on my spending. I can't handle it at the moment."
She responded loud and clear: " To spend so much money on such "shit", we will talk about this now!" BAMM!
I started to feel my blood boiling inside. I could feel how the anger rushed into my face: How could she? I didn't want to have a look at this topic. I wanted to address the money topic. (We talk about 200 €/month for cigarettes!)
She dug deeper. She mentioned she has a contact of a hypnotherapist, who's client reduced the cigarette consumption to 1-2 cigarettes per day.
I got even angrier.
She: "And a colleague of mine offers smoking cessation courses, in a group or one to one sessions, which is paid by the health insurance. I will look for the address."
Now I was close to exploding. I couldn't even think clearly anymore; she really triggered my most sensitive points.
That was the last thing I wanted!
I was going home in a rage, and I couldn't stop thinking.
Reflecting on how often I already went to bed at night with the thought: "Tomorrow morning after you wake up, you won't directly grab a cigarette, you will wait, at least until you had breakfast."
Remembering that every day I had the intention: "And this evening, you won't smoke the last cigarette (in bed!!!) before sleeping."
To fail again and again, to judge me everyday for it, that I can't make the change, that I am addicted, that I smell disgusting, that I feed my cats high-quality bio food, and on the other hand I put their health at risk with me smoking all day around them, that I am a loser.
I felt miserable every single day!
A few days later, after I calmed down, I received an email from my therapist (which never happened before!) with the words: "I know, this is persistent, here are both contacts and the next time we will talk about it."
And I started to boil in rage again.
The end of the story was that four months later, I stopped smoking.
After 20 Years - I was addicted to this "shit" before the age of 15 up to 35 - now, I was finally free from it!
And only because my therapist drew a clear boundary for me.
A boundary:
That I never received from my parents. (My father smoked himself and my mother in her past).
That I longed for so much and which I subconsciously tried to provoke so many times.
That would gain me the necessary respect as a therapist/aka mother.
That would let me grow up as an adult.
That relaxes me, because I knew, until here and not further.
That would gift me awareness around my health.
Through her persistence and the anger which she provoked in me, a massive amount of energy was unleashed, and shortly after, I called the therapist to start the smoking cessation, as long as I was still riding the energy wave.
Since the next therapy group would start two months later, I decided to start directly with one to one sessions (which costs me 400 €)
Was it that simple to quit smoking? No, it was hell! I couldn't suppress any emotions anymore, and with the help of my therapist, I went through intense internal processes, which then created freedom.
Was it worth it? Yes. More than that!
I saved since I quit smoking around 28.000 €.
I smell good.
My flat smells good.
My sense of taste and smell are phenomenal.
My lung is free, and I don't cough anymore.
I'm not getting sick so often.
I don't look so pale anymore.
My skin looks amazing.
I don't have a bad conscience anymore.
And I could clear internally! Like a cleaning for the Soul!
The best: I'm proud of myself that I created this shift with my own strength, that is priceless. Since then, I don't crave any cigarette anymore.
I'm so grateful to my therapist that she created this boundary. Even though she had her concerns, to do it that way. (Depth psychologists learn to be like a whiteboard, so that the clients can learn and discover their own topics and solutions. They don't act directive or set boundaries.)
That was one of the most freeing and memorable moments of my therapy.
What I learned:
To receive healthy boundaries is really important. A child learns through this experience, to feel itself. To feel what is healthy and what is not. It will learn to take responsibility for her actions. For herself and others.
Boundaries give security and stability. Stability within me and stability in the world.
Whoever experienced healthy boundaries rarely oversteps their own or other's boundaries.
Whoever experienced healthy boundaries, can easily say yes, no or stop.
I am allowed to draw boundaries as a therapist. I even see the responsibility to point out when I notice that a client harms her/himself.
Now to you.
What are your habits and addictions in your life, which bother you already for a long time? Where do you feel great resistance to let go of? (watching TV, eating, cleaning, alcohol, cigarettes, sex, social media, complaining, drama, shopping, working, sport...)
Where are you (or your inner adult) not drawing boundaries, even if it's needed?
What would be one habit you would like to let go of?
How would you feel, to let go of this addiction with your own strength?
How would your life look like when you freed yourself from it?
A small disclaimer: I'm not an addiction therapist. There are experts in this area. But I can support you as an expert with all the suppressed emotions that can arise in your process.
I'm looking forward to you!
Elke
Text: © Elke Hannig Photos: Pexels red-and-orange-fire-1558916 Unsplash drew-hays-hdGyEhAMYdo Pexels beautiful-sky-875858 underwater-photography-of-woman-1463924